I'm trying so hard

Okay. I'm trying to keep myself going. I really am.

I finally decided that I can't keep the house up. So I guilt myself because I can't keep the house even sort of clean and I guilt myself because I really can't afford to use a housekeeper when I need all this money to keep Trent taken care of. My left shoulder, I was supposed to have surgery on it the week I had my wreck two years ago. I'd been babying it along. Since trying to clean the house, I've gotten my right shoulder killing me. I'm pretty sure it is with the same issue, bone spurs-impingement issues. Okay, do I go to the doctor again to be told I need surgery. Look around. Take one arm away from me and how do I keep going to work, taking care of Mom, the dogs, Trent and, of course, least of all figure out how I might get to therapy, or any number of issues that I'm responsible for day in and day out.

Trent went into 'rake' mode again today. Garrett came by and he came in to see Garrett. I asked if I could get Mom's groceries while he was here. So in high gear, I head off to what I know is going to be a mad house at the grocery store. I get in and out as fast as I can, go take Mom's groceries to her, carry them all in and put them all away. I rush back to the house with a few of my own groceries. Garrett helps me get some of them in. I tell him about my shoulder and I get his usual gentle sympathy-" What do you want me to do about it?" Well, Garrett, what am I going to do if I were to have to have surgery? I don't know, Mom. We'll deal with it if we have to. So, I guess I keep on hurting. Garrett leaves and the door barely hits him in the backside. Trent's outside raking. I call Garrett to tell him to hear "what do you want me to do", again. I responded "Help me". His response was "Well, Mom, what are you going to do when I'm gone?". I don't know how many times I've tried to tell him that when Trent cycles into raking, he may chase the same 4 leaves all over the backyard. So, Garrett says let him rake. I'm here when I try to let him--he won't give it up, his pupils dilate for some reason and he becomes more and more agitated. I tried to get him in to answer a phone call. He got mad when he couldn't answer the phone and ended up throwing cold coffee on me. I decide to go back out to rake with him so that it can at least be productive. He won't bag the leaves and will rake the same leaves. Okay, yep, I rake leaves and bag leaves. So, by the time, I've done that and have all the leaves up on the west side of the house. He still won't come in. I call him in for dinner. He comes in with muddy shoes walking all over the kitchen I paid to have cleaned and I just loose it, I just loose it. He eats his sandwich and goes out again, again. I'm a mess tonight. I want my boys to help with their Dad. I want them to care that I don't see how I'm going to keep doing this rather than patronize me with, " I understand Mom or I wish I were there to help."

I pray that God will guide me and strengthen me. I open my heart to receive greater patience. Allow me to love more deeply and release my resentment. Amen.

I pray for strength and healing.