Change = Anxiety

Does change equal anxiety for you? It seems to produce it in me no matter how many times I tell myself there's nothing I can do about it. Change will happen and I have memories of change that produced good outcomes and didn't make me anxious. Recent changes have sent my anxiety levels to one of the ten best roller coaster rides, I think.

On Tuesday, I was greeted at the door as I arrived home by Trent's bus driver from the adult daycare. She said that Trent had a toileting accident and had to change clothes at the center. Trent had his head down and he didn't hear what she had said to me. I did know that it had either made him mad or embarrassed him. Well, then again maybe he was just tired. I asked if he knew what happened. He said no. Then, I said let's change clothes so that I can wash the shorts and send them back the next day. He didn't understand what that was all about. So, instead I came back a few minutes later to say that he was stinky and maybe a shower would be nice. He went for that one and I took the shorts after he took them off.

So here is a change. My husband either lost control of his bladder, forgot what he was doing, or couldn't get out of his shorts. I'm going to take a positive approach for now. I'm hoping that the zipper was stuck. I will take a wait and see approach. I want it to be a one time thing-not the beginning of another step in the decline we've been seeing since Christmas.

Changing doctors---I'd rather take an enema! I met with my new doctor last week. Okay, give it some time. Tomorrow I take my mother to another doctor because the doctor I'm going to won't take any more Medicaid patients. That will double my time for Mom and Trent to go to their primary doctor. Before I was able to schedule them both in back to back appointments with Dr. Plummer. I guess that was just too good to be true.

Changing location----Brett and Kristy are moving further away. It truly saddens me. Brett is on a twelve month contract now to accommodate for the salary cut he was otherwise going to take. Kristy will find it more difficult with two children to travel alone for awhile. I will find it harder to drive alone with Trent for two hours more. Gas is so very high while Brett and Kristy will be paying a house payment in Little Elm and rent in Queen City. It is hard for me to see the logic in their move. I know there was emotion driving their move. I wish it could have been both.

Garrett is also contemplating a possible move, 2 hours further away from here. Emotion and a potential for greater income seem to be driving his decision. Again, he's just bought a wonderful home here. He doesn't feel he is reaching the income that he should and has months that he struggles.
That is emotion not necessity and there's little if any logic in trying to sell a house at this time and jump into an additional $200,000 dollars in debt at this time. I would think that there won't be a lot of lookers or takers for the potential location that he's looking to move. If it isn't there when the economy is better, then there will be others when the economy is better.

Change---am I emotionally looking at their moves negatively. Yes! I don't deny that one bit. I will have no family at hand for help. As well as I know that I have wonderful friends that I can call on, it isn't the same as knowing that your children are there out of love for their parents. It isn't the same. One feels like you are imposing on friends who care while having family there feels like you have family that want to be an ever present part of the life ahead for Trent, Mom, myself, and each other. Dementia and Alzheimer's are progressive diseases taking important memories from Trent and Mom each day.

I also have a history with Trent, his coaching and moves. Trent's moves were emotionally based each time. His emotional needs drove his decisions. Many of them, I was never even consulted on. We sold our home and moved at a time when the interest rate on houses was 17%. We struggled paycheck to paycheck. We moved from Uvalde because his ego had him wanting to be a principal NOW! He couldn't wait to see if a position would come open that he could get in the near future. We then moved for him to be a principal one year. He nearly had a nervous breakdown while having to justify not having prejudice involved in a re-assignment to the teacher's appointed legal representation and the school board. His move from Tascosa to Bonham is the only move I remember his asking for and listening to my opinion. His accepting the position at Palo Duro I found out about while I was in Kerrville. He'd already accepted the position---I was an after thought. Every move from town to town set us back financially. It took us 15 years in Amarillo to see bank balances at the end of a month. I've experience with moves based on emotion rather than logic. One of my dear friends recently commented that parenting by example had definite evidence in the decisions my sons make. Maybe she's right or maybe we never honestly admitted mistakes to them. Nevertheless, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE THE DEBT and can't imagine how I'll pay for care when it is needed.

Change=anxiety?